Dear Splitscreen Co-op
Monday, April 20, 2009
Dear split-screen Co-op,
You’ve been on my mind lately. Whenever I pick up a controller, I can’t help but think back on better times. Oh, that magical summer that seemed so long ago, when we were young and loved to frag. Long, cold nights spent crawling through dungeons with nothing but a +3 flaming longsword and our love to keep us warm.
They want to keep us apart, baby. They think I would rather pay $15 a month for a gold membership so I can play Team Fortress with some random douche in Wisconsin online, but I don’t want that. All I want is you. I can’t count the sleepless afternoons I’ve spent, wandering the halls of Blockbuster and Gamestop seeking your face in vain. Sure, there are others to fill that hole in my heart; online co-op may do things you won’t, but she’s so cold and distant. System link may look like you do, but she’s too high maintenance and I can’t afford her, and sure I can play FF Tactics and just pass a controller around, but I don’t talk to that whore.
In the end, none of them satisfy, because none of them are you. Who cares what they say about us being wrong for each other? I never wanted a full screen to myself and I like it when the camera is stationary. They’re just jealous we have somebody. Nobody brings my friends together like you do, baby; you are a blue shell when I’m in second place, a turkey leg when my wizard needs food badly, the plasma grenade to my grunt, stick with me and we’ll illuminate the world with the explosion of our love. I remain faithfully yours.
Love,
Me
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