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Desperate Attempts to Save Christmas (By me and some Christians).

Greg Dewar
The Commuter

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

As an atheist, I don’t really care about Christmas. It’s a time to chill out with friends and family while getting drunk (you’ll notice a reoccuring theme, here). Maybe exchange some presents, who really cares? Christmas break is prime video gametime and all those spicy fall releases you couldn’t spend as much time enjoying as you wish you could fall term, lay out before you like a veritable game-gasm. It’s a cornucopic time for virtual reality. So, driving down Highway 34 here in the Willamette Valley here in Oregon, I wasn’t surprised to see a sign that said “Put the Christ back in Christmas!” in a desperate attempt to salvage Christmas for Christianity. I sincerely regret to inform you so bluntly, but Christmas is gone. You stole it from the Pagans and now capitalism has stolen it from you. It might as well be called “Commercialism-mas” for all we’re concerned. What is the true meaning of Christmas? I don’t know. It’s not Christ’s birthday and it has no Christian religious significance that I can tell in the real world. Except champagne and Hotwheels. What, you don’t get drunk and send small vehicles off sick jumps? Shame on you for not arriving succintly in the middle of the holiday spirit (or a pile of Cheetos). In a far away land, in a time long lost, there lived Queen Hot, who was very lonely. Every day she prayed for a handsome young king to come and save her from her loneliness. This is where king Wheels comes into the picture (see where I’m going with this?). He was known for his fancy carriages upon which he liked to hit sick jumps. One day while jumping his tricked-out carriage, not being buckled in, as they didn’t have buckles back then (Don’t drink and carriage jump, folks) he flew out a window, hit his head on a rock and refused to move. A worldly lieutenant (who enjoyed jumping tricked out two-wheeled carriages, or ‘carriage-cycles’) knew where Queen Hot’s castle was located and rushed him there in a sufficiently less tricked out, but OSHA-regulated, carriage. Queen Hot took pity on the king and set her best surgeons about repairing him, and her best craftsman about tricking out his OSHA carriage. She stayed by his side the entire time and slowly fell in love with his face, wondering if his personality matched. Two weeks later he awoke and fell in love with her instantly for her kindness, charm, grace, and love of carriages (but not jumping them). Yadda-yadda (there’s some boinking in here somewhere) and their son was born: Prince Hotwheels (Oh.). They rejoiced and declared his birthday, December 25th a holiday and gave their son tricked out toy carriages every birthday, which he loved to erect sick, but small, jumps and take his tricked-out toy carriages off of. This is what Christmas is all about, folks. Except eventually you get older and you end up drunk before you even think about the Hotwheels and you end up sending one through a window.

Sick Jump?

Greg:

The community of Christian LBCC faculty, staff and students hope and pray for you to see the blessings and grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You are loved!

— Aloof Dufus · Dec 30, 11:28 AM · #

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