Five New Year's resolutions you won't keep (and why)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
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Every Jan. 1, millions of Americans try to make amends for all their fatty food, overspending, and dull nights wasted in front of the television. Gym memberships boom, Alcoholics Anonymous fills up, and suddenly everyone’s talking about reading as though it were a recent discovery. Unfortunately, like most things in life, resolutions are doomed to fail because change is hard and humans are by nature very impatient. Although the list is truly endless, below are five resolutions that will never come to fruition. Mission unaccomplished.
Lose weight. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was that mound of flesh that represents your abdomen. That means it’s going to take more than getting up to change the channels instead of using the remote if you want to melt away those extra inches. The last time you got physical exercise was when you ran to Burger King instead of taking your car. Any weight you lose will be regained during the last three months of the year, the holidays being a natural enemy of any weight-loss plan, so save yourself the sweat and learn to accept your flabby, saggy, dimpled body the way it is.
Get out of debt. As long as there are shiny things in the world, people are going to spend more money than they make. Getting your spending under control would deprive you of the latest version of the iPhone. Seriously, the only debt you need to worry about is the one accumulating between you and your drug dealer. Live luxuriously now, and work it off later. Who needs retirement when you can have a phone that has an application for fart noises?
Read more. What was the last book you read that wasn’t assigned from school? If you answered “The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” then you’ll probably want to return all those library books you checked out when you first decided you were illiterate. The only reason you picked up this paper was because you thought you saw an advertisement for free food, so the chances of you reading an actual book are slim.
Be more adventurous. Let’s face it. You’re boring. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article while getting your degree in accounting, you’d be on a plane halfway across the world in search of an ancient cure for cancer or the fountain of youth, the only things in your backpack a revolver and a couple of gummy bears. You know, just in case. The closest you ever came to danger was that evening you spent watching “Survivor.” If you insist on pretending you find life exciting, then go into the kitchen and spend time “exploring” the refrigerator for an exotic meal, like a ham sandwich. Oh look, you just “discovered” the brownies your roommate’s mom brought over this morning!
Give back more. You’re so stingy, you gave your own mother a I.O.U. card for Christmas that read “I owe you nothing.” Think: when was the last time you gave something that wasn’t herpes? If you really want to give back to your community, then leave. Your absence is the most generous gift you could give.
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