Totally tasteless Halloween costumes
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
While the rest of the world dons the same predictable wizard hats and vampire teeth, stand out from the crowd with one of these costumes sure to solicit gasps and glares as you crash the nearest Halloween party or trek from house to house in search of a sugar fix.
Swine flu. Frighten off the elderly and immuno-compromised with a pandemic that’s received more media attention than Michael Jackson’s death. What better time to dress as swine flu than flu season itself? Grandma will especially appreciate your choice in costume apparel as she’s lying in a hospital bed hooked up on fluids. Just remember: Don’t share this costume with anyone. It’s contagious.
Become an emotional punching bag this holiday season with a costume everyone will hate – the Telemarketer. Spook your friends with whispered late-night phone calls pressing them to take a moment to answer a few survey questions, then tell them the call may be monitored for quality assurance reasons. Substitute candy with credit cards, magazine subscriptions, insurance policies and watch as trick-or-treaters flee from your doorstep in horror.
Dress as Bernie Madoff and experience what it feels like to be universally loathed. After you’ve been tarred and feathered by the neighborhood watch, blame your crimes on the 9-11 terrorist acts and prepare to be tarred and feathered a second time. Wonder why no one is laughing at the cleverness of your costume, and conclude their lack of amusement on poor socialization as children, ignoring the increase of shady corporate dealings at the height of an economical recession that’s cost thousands of people their jobs.
This 31st transform into Octomom and elicit an orchestra of groans from everyone tired of hearing about your penchant for abusing turkey-basters. Go door to door with your fourteen small children, asking greeters for treats in the form of monetary assistance so that you can fund your latest plastic surgery venture. When they refuse, conveniently forget the childrenon their doorstep.
Illustrate the extent to which people will go to become famous with a portrayal of Balloon Boy. Enlist a friend to tell everyone you’ve accidentally floated away and disappear for several days (your attic makes a great hide-away for such purposes). Once everyone is thoroughly concerned for your well-being and the local news shows up at your home, wait until the cameras are rolling to pop out of the attic screaming “Trick or treat!” As reporters question your sudden reappearance, decide that the floor is an acceptable home for your vomit and give your best performance yet. Everyone will appreciate your well-played “trick” once they get those stains out of the rug.
Nothing alerts people to your future plans towards developing alcoholism better than dressing as every frat boy’s favorite pastime – Beer Pong. Demonstrate your ability to be the loudest, drunkest person in the room and encourage other party-goers to follow your example until it becomes apparent they’ll need a liver transplant to drive home. Friends will thank you for the massive hangover they’ll receive as a consolation prize for giving in to your holiday enthusiasm.
It’s Halloween, and kids already know they’re going to be rotting their teeth with sugary candy, so why not give them something new to fear this year that isn’t gum disease? Come to the door dressed as a Diabetic. As their greedy little paws grab at your candy bowl, tell them the story of losing your left leg to type II diabetes and warn them that they could meet a similar fate if they continue neglecting their diets with candy bars. You’ll ruin their holiday forever, and that’s the greatest treat of all.
Finally, make this Halloween memorable with a not so family friendly Pedophile Priest ensemble, complete with roofie-flavored candy. Mothers will steer their children away from your home as you attempt to turn the sex-offender notice on your lawn into a tombstone decoration. Who says Christmas is the only holiday where you can dress up and have kids sit on your lap?
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