Long-Awaited Retort to a Rick
Monday, June 1, 2009
Quite some time ago, Rick confronted me in the newspaper. I let it slide. I mean, that’s fine if he wants to stereotype me. Whatever, I’m used to it.
Now, however, his back is turned, and thus, I strike.
Rick Casillas is not a vagabond. In fact, quite the opposite. First off, he dresses well. Button-up shirts, penny loafers, slacks. He’s too good for jeans! Too good to dress like a layman. Ever heard of a T-shirt? No, he’s too busy parading around in his yellow polo like a marshmallow peep. If only I had a microwave big enough… to cook him dinner! Yes… and nothing sinister. If only he would pin down a style; he changes his clothes into the newest and hottest styles literally three times a day. Sometimes right in front of my desk.
Secondly, he’s in a choir. How can you trust anyone who sings in a large group while being well-dressed? At least put on something skimpy and revealing if you’re going to get up on stage, Rick. You’re never going to be a grunge star this way. In addition to the aforementioned sins, he’s always singing, generally about feelings.
Thirdly, Rick is a man of the future. He’s far too good for the past; he don’t need no stinkin’ history. It’s 2109 as far as he’s concerned. If it wasn’t made five minutes from now, he’s not having it. How do you sleep at night, Rick, knowing that you miss out on all the classics? That you never wore flannel around your waist or watched Pauly Shore films? Way to be trendy, Rick! Don’t look now! There’s something new to buy at Hot Topic!
Fourthly, he’s always giving out hugs. At first it was an unusual experience to be wrapped up in his big bear arms and doused in his musky man-odors. After a hug with Rick, I didn’t even need to shower anymore. His sand-paper-like arm-hair cleansed me from head to toe and his cologne and deodorant became MY cologne and deodorant.
And fifthly, we had to lobby to get him to eat at Rigoberto’s (formerly La Conga). Wow. Eating at La Conga is an addiction the entire youth of Corvallis should have. Now he’s on board, but at first he was suspicious. Do you know why? Because it wasn’t Mexican food from the future. Which, coincidentally, is pretty amazing.
Because of all this, I submit that Rick is either an android, a time traveler, or an alien from a more advanced society. If you get close enough to Rick you can hear the whir of electronics and a subtle beeping noise emanating from his skull. For all I know, he could be the next terminator! Empirical evidence shows that androids, time travelers, and aliens all like yellow polos. They’re desperately trying to find peace by recreating the future here in the present. It is mighty suspicious that Rick never sleeps and disappears for large amounts of time. He’s probably up on his spaceship doing space things that are too good for us lowly 21st centuryers to know about. Studies have also shown that androids, time travelers, and aliens all love to sing and are leery of Mexican food made before 2061.
No! I will not come over to your house to “bro out.” I’d rather not be abducted and flown halfway across the galaxy while I have to listen to you sing Journey. I’m doing just fine, here in the past with a heaping plate of beef nachos. Good day to you, sir!
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